I woke up crying three days in a roll, but I can only remember the last dream I had – it was when someone dismantled all the plants in my backyard. For a few moments, the despair in my heart killed my soul, until I became aware that it was only a dream.

When I was recalling my dream, my daughter observed, “I believe this is the grief of losses. Maybe because you have not processed the losses in your life.”

Upon reflection, first I realized that some losses in my life are irreversible; for this type of loss, nothing and no one can soothe the grief and pain for a period of time. However, I also realized that their hold does not have to be permanent; if you let it – if you have clarity about what this does to you and you will realize that other options are available other than the path currently you’re on, you can pivot your life to a new direction.

Some of my losses are not direct experiences. For instance, my grandfather’s execution was witnessed by my mother when she was 13 years old and when the communist party took over China. I felt the grief and pain in my mother’s voice and body when the story was told by my mother and when I was in 6th grade. This event set the backdrop of my mother’s life and she lived it accordingly; in turn, looking back, that loss changed my life at a fundamental level as well.

On one hand, I can see the permanence of the negative impact of losses in our lives; on the other, truthfully, are any of losses absolutely negative though?

Some of my losses seemed devastating and fatal at the time but they changed the course of my life positively in the long run. For example, my divorce 7 years ago was traumatic and I experienced tremendous loss in many ways, but meantime I have grown in countless dimensions. Sometimes I wish this happened long before the real event.

The loss of my old identities was definitely a good thing. For example, after I gradually embraced my daughter as an independent person after she was 22 years old, without intermingling my fear and ego in the equation, I found a gentler, tenderer, and more loving mother within me that I never thought I could be. The loss of my old identity as an authoritarian parent injected refreshing energy in our relationship and I discovered my authentic function in my daughter’s life.

Some of my losses were seemly insignificant at the time but they changed the path of my life for good. When I was 7 years old, one day I had a sudden premonition: my mother was going to die young – this came in my head like a thunder. I didn’t tell anyone because I was so scared for my mother, when I realized she would never see us children growing up. She did die before her 50’s birthday and at the time we were still children. As a hindsight the fact that she never witnessed me giving birth to my daughter forever changed my life, and in turn my daughter’s life.

write a short bio

I know I haven’t been active here and I do feel a little bad about this.

In order to rekindle my enthusiasm in writing, I joined a community writing group yesterday. However it requires each member to write a short bio as self introduction to the group. Now, I’m thinking, what angle should I go about?

I was born in mainland China. I liked reading and writing as a kid. In 5th grade, I wrote a poem and it was published in the school Journal. One time, I wrote a movie review and won two movie tickets. Another time when my daughter was a toddler, I wrote an article for a city newspaper about massage for toddlers to keep their immune system up. I wrote in Chinese then. Later on, English language opened a parallel universe to me. I fell in love with it. I kept reading books and learning English vocabulary with wonderment – I found my Narnia. I dreamed to marry an English writer or an English literature professor and live in London, so we could write together at home in the dreary, rainy cold days. So far, either of my dreams has come true.

That sums up my creative writing experience. Meantime, I have been busy living out many of my other parallel lives as well. Have been doing plenty of technical writing but not creative writing. I would like to use this opportunity to get started.

Femininity in Dating

My daughter shared a revelation after our yoga class a couple of days ago and I thought she was right on point.

What’s a natural way to approach dating for females?

Now a days, more and more females try to take the masculine approach by mimicking male behavior to directly chase after guys or ask guys out, to show assertiveness and to demonstrate that I’m a modern woman and I know what I want. I’m in charge. I’m in control of my own life. However, I do believe this is one approach which is to swing the pendulum directly from one side to another – a radical change in order to make a dent in the condition women were in for centuries. Sometimes, this seems the only way to correct the course of the collective trend of history. But on the individual level, this approach is a remedial intermedia progress, not the ultimate goal. This is not the ultimate solution because this is not beneficial to human as a race in the long run.

(1) This masculine approach does not demonstrate the strength of femininity. Women believe they have to become masculine (a mutated female form) to be in control of life and to enjoy life, which is against nature – females will become more muted in femininity and transmute toward genderless and toward masculinity. However this is not a development we prefer.

(2) This masculine approach emasculates men and causes the birth of a mutated male form, which is also against nature – males will become more muted and transmute toward genderless and toward femininity. However, this is not a condition we are trying to achieve either.

Here is my daughter’s proposal:

We should all go inward to find true femininity and masculinity within ourselves. As women particularly, we need to work on internally what we want in a partner at a soul level. Knowing what we don’t want is not the same as knowing what we want. True clarity in what we desire in a partner is the key to find a partner.

This takes tons of solitude and a lot of inner strength to cultivate, but I’m sure it’s worth the effort.

I admire my daughter’s clarity and vision. She nailed it.

Truth is often in plain sight, can be explained in plain language and simple concept, but also can be so easily slipped through our fingers like water.

taking a different approach

I have been trying to take a path that I haven’t chosen before whenever I feel like a change. This not only can open more options and make my world more vast but also bring me different perspectives of looking at life. No approach is wasted. Nothing is that serious – since life and death is not even that crucial.

I realized that everyone can afford to play a little. I do not need to do what others expected of me. Everything goes and meantime, I don’t have to let anything go if I don’t feel like it. Able to glide the full spectrum on a whim is real flexibility and confidence.

Can I Bend Time?

can I bend time?

I believe I can. Here is my story.

Sunday Feb 24 2019. 7:21am, I opened my eyes and immediately I was in total despair because I planned to go to the 7:30am yoga session. My first thought was evidently I would not be able to make the class. for an unknown reason, 7:22am, I suddenly jumped out of bed and wanted to try to make it. I washed my face, put on moisturizer, and then put in my contact lenses. Ran downstairs. Meantime, our dog Chewie was running down with me, because he wanted to eat breakfast. I took out his food (two containers: homemade chicken with carrots, and organic canned sweet potatoes), found a spoon in the drawer, and scooped out two spoons of chicken with carrots and one scoop of sweet potatoes. I dashed into the garage and from the dryer, I grabbed my yoga towel and sweatshirt first, put them in my car, and then grabbed my shorts and sports bra and two hand towels from the dryer, the water bottle from my car, ran back to the house, put on my shorts and bra, filled the water bottle, wet my two hand towels, fetched my handbag, dashed back to the garage and drove off.

It’s 3 miles from home to the yoga studio. 5 traffic light stops. 2 of the 5 lights were green. parked. grabbed car key, wet towels, yoga mat and ran in. Put my flip-flops and key on the shelf and walked in the hot room. The room was full. The long haired guy signaled me over to the space next to him, he and the guy behind me both moved their mats so I could have enough space to put down my mat. I stood on my mat for a few seconds to calm down, and Charlene (the instructor) walked in – “lights’ up!”

was it possible for me to complete all these movements within 7 minutes? if not, what truly happened?

nothing personal

Sometimes, I feel being ignored, as if I’m invisible. In the past, I can’t let it go immediately because the unclarity brings me confusion. As I grow older, as I’m more established professionally and more confident in appearance, that happens to me less often and I feel less hurt by it.

However, as I become more mature psychologically and emotionally, more aware of my feelings, I realize others’ behavior is not personal. They have their own woundings and conditions, and mine was from the emotional neglect from my father early on when I was a baby, which was also not personal. My father just really wanted to have a son instead of a daughter who happened to have a stubborn personality.

This wounding was triggered slightly once more while at the Yin yoga class a few days ago. There were a total of 5 students and I was right in the middle. The instructor was facing me during the whole class but as if I was not there at all. She kept making conversations with all others but me. She didn’t even make eye contact with me. She corrected others’ poses in the mist of it, except me. We can speculate many reasons, but I knew nothing was personal. As simple as that. I felt less and less a sting to my feelings as I’m becoming more aware of the truth.

feel something, do something

I didn’t trust my feelings for a long time. As I fine-tune my relationship with my feelings, it takes me less and less time to find clarity about the correlation between my feelings and appropriate actions to take, and I’m able to make more assertive decisions in a more timely manner and on a more routine basis.

This realization unclogs my energy, makes my daily life less effortful. I enjoy my activities more. I’m less impacted by my environment and circumstances.

job as a thread of life

If I don’t have my day job as a thread of life, I would be doing yoga, reading books, write nothing particular, propagating plants, cooking random dishes, and baking sourdough bread.

If this is the case, my day would be having no beginning, no ending, and no middle. No lunch time, and no dinner time. Every day would be the same but nothing in it would never be in the same or in any particular order.

I think I would love that.